I hadn't planned on doing a word for this year, but several people have asked about it, so I am taking that as a push from above to write this post. I pray it will be used for His glory.
For 2014, my word was legacy, and to be honest, I feel like I failed at that word...hence the reason I was not going to do a word this year.
Being a step mom is hard. There are so many dynamics that I am clueless about and have no one around me that has navigated through it all to give advice. I'm learning my goals and expectations might be unrealistic and at the end of the day all I can really rely on is God.
I'm not really sure how to even put it into words, so forgive me if this post is all over the place! A few months ago my pastor did a sermon on being offended. He asked us to search our hearts and see in what ways we were being offended and He highlighted my interactions in my home. The definition of offense is resentment brought about by a disregard for one's standards. For some reason, I find myself getting more offended when my step children disregard the rules in our home. All five kids display normal behavior for their age and not one of the five is perfect, but I found my resentment growing. How do I leave a legacy when I am struggling with resentment?
I am non-confrontational by nature, so I rarely correct or confront my step children, which blows my mind because I have no problem correcting my own two or the 22 little ones in my class, but for some reason, I don't. The only thing I can come up with is that Richard and I dated for so long that by the time I was put into step mother role, my habits of staying out of it were set. And so because I don't say anything in the moment, I end up stewing about what I should have said or done. In the sermon on offense, one thing our pastor pointed out is that becoming offended, in any situation, is a distraction. How am I supposed to love like Christ if I'm offended all the time? So, I have been working on this.
Also, I have been reading a book about Holy Spirit and was convicted that in keeping quiet in those moments I am grieving Him. How can Holy Spirit work through me if I won't even speak! I have access to His power and choose not to tap into it?!? Uugghhh! It's so frustrating to me because I don't want to be this way!
For about six weeks, I have been seeking Him more earnestly every morning and truly just asking for His power for that one day. When I lay down at night I am starting to feel like I am making progress, and I know that I must get up and seek Him again in the morning to get the power I need to be who I am created to be but am not...yet.
It's a journey, and my perfectionist nature hates that it's a journey, but I am being made new and that's exciting. I pray the kids will not remember my mistakes but that God will chisel on their hearts and minds the times I succeeded through Him.
So, I am extending my word legacy for another year, in hopes that I will daily be filled with Him in order to leave something good in all my children.
