Wordless Wednesday

The problem with planning

I am a planner. I love having a schedule and a timeline and keeping a calandar. Maybe it's because I enjoy having things to look forward to or maybe it's just because I like to have control. But I've once heard, "The greatest illusion is the illusion of control."

It's been almost a year since my life was turned upside down. The whole ordeal was especially hard because I had absolutely no control in any respect, but now that it's over I thought I would gain some control back. I would be in charge of me and the boys, my job, my home, my ministry; everything would be "under control", and then I could start to think about dating. Wow... dating!! That's a scary word to type, much less say. I never thought I would be here, but here I am so I will plan, because that's what I do. I thought about a timeline; when's the "proper" time to start dating? I thought about my reputation; what will people think of me for dating at all? I thought about the boys; when is the right time to introduce them to someone I am dating? All these thoughts lead to plans and schedules and... safety.

I started off 2010 wanting to live in God's abundance; feel free to go back and read that blog. And once again, I am putting God in a box with my timelines and schedules. I know He is the Author, but for some reason I feel the need to continually pull the pen out of His hands and want to write my own version of "life". Just a 30 year habit I am going to have to continue to make an effort to break, I guess. He has been faithful to close doors and open doors at the right time, even when I am screaming at Him that He doesn't know what He is doing. And now, as I start to think about dating, I find a door opening that doesn't quite fit the mold I had or the timeline I hold.

This wasn't in my plans.

So, do I hold fast to my schedule and possibly miss something great, or do I let go and let God?

Wicked

I was able to go on a girls trip this weekend. The main event was to see the show Wicked, but we also did alot of relaxing and alot of much needed girl talk! I am so glad I have girlfriends that are so down to earth, honest and fun to be around. I can't wait until our next trip!


Right outside our hotel


Melinda, Becca, me and Lisa at the pool

At the show


Melinda doesn't like to eat salt because it makes her puffy, so we made her a no puff zone with her own basket of chips with no salt.

Troy swimming

Troy is now swimming, jumping in and going under and doing hand stands under water. What a complete change in him since swim lessons. That really was money well spent!!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Summer

This week Troy took swim lessons for the first time. Through several recommendations I signed him up and Monday we both were a little nervous. The instructor teaches from her home by age and with only 5 kids per class. The parents are not allowed to stay, but there are some hedges to stand behind and watch the kids. The very first day she had them jumping in from the side. She would let them go under, but just for a moment, and then help them kick back towards the side. There were tears by all, but by the end of class they are all fine and Troy has really enjoyed it.

Also this week, Tanna came in town to go to the Splash Pool with us. Brylee, Troy and Teague were quite a team, and quite a handful. We didn't have much time for visiting if all three of them were awake, but it was fun to watch them all interact together. At the Splash Pool Troy wanted to show me what he learned from swim lessons and I was surprised that he went completely under water and then popped back up, wiped his face and just smiled and said "see!" He was so proud of himself and showed me and Tanna and the lifeguard and any other mom that walked by. I am hoping to get some more of him swimming on video at the last swim lesson today, if so, I will post it later, but here he is going under water.



They are quite a pair!!

A lesson in aerobics class

I have taught aerobics for over 10 years and one great thing about it is that you have a job no matter where you are!! I usually have the routine memorized for that class but always have a cheat sheet in case I forget. I put my cheat sheet up front with my water bottle on it to keep it from blowing around. This particular day I forgot my water bottle and just set it up there. Towards the end of class the ladies got hot so they turned on the fan...and there went my cheat sheet. I didn't think it was that big of a deal because we were on the final few combinations and I thought I had it memorized. As I continued to cue the moves aloud, in my head I went ahead and started to think of the next combination instead of the next step and I went blank altogether. I just stopped, the ladies and I laughed and we just picked up where I messed up. As I finished the routine and started our stretch time, I heard God remind me that getting too far ahead of Him messes up the right now. Even thinking too far ahead takes me out of this moment and what He has planned for me to experience or accomplish just for today. I just smiled at God and thanked Him for His patience in continuing to teach the same lesson in different ways to ensure that I get it!!

Wanted to share

I enjoyed this post from Perry Noble and wanted to share. (for some reason it's not highlighting his name, so click on his name to get to his post!)

College Grad

This past weekend my brother graduated from college. It was neat to watch him walk across the stage and receive his well earned diploma in International Business!! As all the graduates started the processional into the auditorium we saw one person with white writing on his cap. Mom leaned over and said "Tell me that's not Blake!" Oh, yes, it was Blake. He had written "Thanks Mom, I love you" on his cap which made it so easy to spot him in the crowd, so that was nice. Once mom read what it said, she couldn't get mad at him. :) After the ceremony, we all went for sushi and back home for cake and gifts. It was so nice to hang out with the family and enjoy this special day.

To Blake:
I am so VERY proud of you! You have never been conventional and have always brought your own personal style and flare into all that you do and yesterday was no different!! I know that as you enter into the business world you will keep that special quality and that it will set you apart from the others. I love how, as you told us your plans for the next few years, you even had in there a time to "re-evaluate your plans." You are smart to anticipate having to change your course if need be! Keep your spark and your dreams and know that I am behind you and here for you to help you reach them if I can! Congratulations on a great accomplishment!! I love you!





The tassle went a little crazy, but I love this shot!




my first taste of sushi!

Plan B

Ok, so a few days have passed and I have had a chance to formulate my thoughts. This post may still be all over the place, but I hope you get the gist of where my heart is.

2 Timothy 4:7
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

I feel like the divorce is bittersweet. Yes, it is sad that my marriage has come to an end and my family is broken, but the man I have been legally married to for the last 8 months is not the man that I married years ago. So, in a way, I feel relief; a sense of freedom. I fought to sustain my marriage, I honored my vows and I not only kept the faith, but I grew my faith! So now that the race is over I will hang up my wedding ring and look towards the future.

By the divine arrangement of God, a friend sent me a book to read called 'Plan B'. I am only about half way into it, but the timing was perfect. The front cover reads "What do you do when God doesn't show up the way you thought He would?" And as I stare down the path that doesn't look so paved anymore I find myself asking that very question. I was so sure God was going to... or maybe He would...or He might even... As I look back on all those assumptions I realize I was still putting God in a box with my finite mind. Again, where is my abundant mind set that I started with as the year 2010 opened? So, I will resolve to adopt that mind set, yet again, and give God the freedom to work however He wishes.

As I think about my Plan B and giving God complete control, I remember a book I read in college titled 'When God writes your love story'. The theme was preparing yourself for a Godly spouse and also choosing a Godly mate, and I spent a year or so reading and studying this topic to be ready to be the wife God called me to be. Even as I write this I hear Satan whisper, "that didn't work out too well for you, did it?", but I also hear God say, "I can not force anyone to love Me, and I work all for good". But anyways, I will once again put the pen into the hand of the Author of romance for Him to script the next chapter in my love story. In most novels there is that moment of sadness and then the rest of the book is building up to the happy ending!

As I think about my "happy ending" my first thoughts go to getting remarried. But that would imply I needed a man to be happy or even to complete this story. Now, don't get me wrong, I can't wait to have someone to spoil and love and adore, but that doesn't make my happy ending, that's just icing on the cake. Isn't the happy ending being released from a marriage where the head of my family is behaving like an non-believer, isn't the happy ending being available to move forward with Christ with nothing holding me back? I never would have choosen this route, but here I am in Plan B and God has done nothing but protect me every step of the way, so my happy ending is now!! I know I will have the love story I dream about and the man that will serve as head of our family just as Christ is, I just have to wait for it and be confident that God knows my heart and has given me the desires in my heart.

I want to thank all of you that have been following the blog and me the boys through this. Your prayers and support have been invaluable! I hope that you will continue to check in on us from time to time because I would hate for you all to miss the next chapter God is busy writing.

I currently have no words

September 14, 2003 - May 12, 2010

Triathlon

This Mother's Day I decided I would do a triathlon. It's been about 4 years since I've done one but I had a few church friends doing this one, so I thought it would be great to do it with them. We had so much fun...minus the race!! Well, just for me I think. We started in the lake, which went really well. Then you run out of the lake to your bike. About a mile into the bike I felt my shoe lace get caught in my pedal, so I came to a stop to fix it but forgot my foot was connected to the pedal so I slowly just fell over. It was quite comical. It didn't hurt or damage anything so I just retied my shoe and hopped back on. Then, at mile 8 the ride got really difficult, but not because of the terrain, but because I had a FLAT!! I just knew I was done. True triathletes stop and fix their own flat, but there was no way I could do that so I just figured an aid on the course could drive me back. Well, there was no one ahead or behind me for as far as I could see, so I decided to just pedal slowly til I saw someone that could help. I pedaled for a good 10 minutes before I saw anyone so by then I decided I could ride on the flat, just go slow, get to the transition area, and then take off on the run to make up some time. The funny/frustrating part was that people were passing me that I had already passed telling me to "keep up the good work" and "you're almost to the finish, keep going!" I wanted to scream "I have a flat" but then everyone would think I was dumb for riding on a flat tire, so I didn't say anything and just wanted to get back to the transition area as fast as possible. I finally made it and sprinted the whole run to try to make up my time from the slow bike ride. It was alot of fun and after the race is the best part; eating, visiting, talking about your race and taking pics. It was a great mother's day and I can't wait to do another one and NOT get a flat tire and see what my time would be!

6am Sunday morning

almost time to swim




me, JD, Rachel and Chrissy...we all finished!!

an AHA moment

I love AHA moments...kind of. I mean, I love seeing something so clearly, but then looking back I feel stupid it took me so long to see it in the first place. Over the last week I have been really seeking advice and praying about the upcoming signing of the divorce papers.

In my frustration over the last 8 months of this ordeal I have found myself saying "I'm done!" ALOT!!! My AHA moment came today when I said that again and felt bad. I think the phrase "I'm done!" brings with it an attitude of giving up. I would say that phrase and then a few days later feel guilty for giving up on my marriage and would resolve to be strong again. Please understand, when I would say "I'm done" I would mean I'm done striving; not honoring my marriage vows or trusting in God or praying constantly, just that I'm done with trying to focus on Daniel's return, I guess. So today I felt God telling me that I need to change my internal dialogue. I am not "done". I would NEVER be "done" with a marriage. What I need to say to myself and others is "I'm okay with what God has next for me." The 'I'm done' phrase has held me captive to the fact that it would be ME who was dissolving the marriage. God has made it clear that that is no where near the truth so why am I letting that control my thoughts.

Also, I believe it is the next step in relinquishing all control to God. If I continue to say that I'm not done and I will keep fighting, is that not me trying to control the situation for what I want. Instead, I can put it in His hands and be eager for what is next...could be Daniel's return as a changed man or it could be a strong follower of Jesus as my new husband?!? Who knows, but either way I know it will be good because it will be from God!!

The song I have on the blog is my new favorite. The line I like the most is 'the pain you're feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming.' So I will wait expectantly to see the joy God has in store for my future!

Mother's Day Breakfast

Today I was able to have Mother's Day breakfast with Troy at his school. They had a table set up with place cards for all of us and then we were served kolaches and scones and juice. At each mother's spot there was a card and a heart tin. Inside the heart tin was the bracelet he made for me. He was so excited for me to put it on and showed me which bead was his favorite! It was really special and I love his comments on the card! He got my favorite color right!! And it's neat to see what your child really enjoys about you. I know I will treasure that card and bracelet forever!

A new addition

I have been thinking about getting another dog for a month or so and decided I wanted to adopt one from a shelter here in town. I have been visiting the shelter about once a week and really didn't see a dog that looked like it would fit into our family. I feel like I have high expectations after Chip. I wanted a larger dog, who doesn't shed too much, that is good with kids and other dogs, not a puppy, loves to go to the park and camping and run, etc... The ladies at the shelter knew us by name when we would go by and look at the dogs. About a week ago I saw two that were prospective adoptees, McKenna, a rottweiler-lab-hound mix and Chloe, a doberman pincher. McKenna caught my eye because she was the only dog to just sit and look back at us instead of jumping and barking as we walked from kennel to kennel. I asked to see her outside her kennel and they let us take her to a big fenced in area to get to know each other, walk and play. She did very well with Teague and Troy. I still wasn't 100% sold on her, but before I could ask to see Chloe they told me that Chloe was not good with other dogs, so she was off the list. A few days later I thought I would go back and see if McKenna was still there. She was and the ladies at the front told me that a few other families have visited with her and none of them were as good with her as Troy and Teague. I decided to get her out of her kennel again just to double check how we interact and again, she was so sweet and gentle. I decided to go ahead and put in an application on her. A couple days later the manager called and said that she talked to my landlord and he does not allow aggressive breeds on his property, so I couldn't adopt her. I was so sad.

About a week passed and I went back to see if they had gotten any new dogs in and there was McKenna, still there. The manager was there this time and the ladies at the front desk introduced me to her and told her how well McKenna did with our family and that it is a shame the landlord has that policy. I agreed with her and told her that I had already left a message for him to call me with what breeds were allowed so I didn't become attached to another dog too soon. She then told the lady behind the computer to change McKenna's breed to a Bernese hound dog. I laughed and thought she was kidding and told them if they do change her breed to keep me in mind because she is the one I want. She then said, "No, I'm serious, ask your landlord if you can have a hound dog." I was so excited!!

That was a Friday night so I was going to have to wait til Monday to call him and see if that would be okay. Well, what seemed to be a God moment to start with in them changing her breed, soon turned into something that felt dishonest. My thoughts were racing through what if they found out or saw her or made me give her back. I would be heartbroken. So Monday I decided to tell the shelter that I could not lie even though I know she is not an aggressive dog. But before I had time to call the shelter my landlord returned my message about what breeds he allowed. He asked if I knew the name of the dog I wanted at the shelter, and of course I said McKenna. He said that he was out at the Poppy Festival (a big outdoor fair with lots of booths) this weekend and the shelter had a booth and he met McKenna at their booth. He said she is a great dog and he sees no problem in me getting her despite her rottweiler genes! I was speechless!!! I was going to get McKenna after all and I wasn't even going to have to be dishonest about it!! I feel like this was just another lesson from God about where my heart truly is and Him asking "How badly do you really want to be like Me??"

Here are some pics. She loves to play ball in the backyard and just sit and have her belly rubbed. She is a great addition to our family and I am so glad we are able to give her a good home.

A special day

Today I got to spend the afternoon with the girls. There are really no words to express what these girls mean to me or the intimacy we experienced with each on this special day. It is rare that all four of us can get together without the kids but this afternoon we made it happen. We enjoyed pedicures, lunch, yogurt, and a time of talking and praying. It was amazing!

Here we are getting our toes done!!



Lunch at Chuy's


Our prayer table

It was so nice to share the good, the bad, and the stuff you think you would tell NO ONE because they would never understand. We shared it all, and I am so blessed to have women in my life who support me no matter what and are always there to remind me of God's promises, no matter what subject we are talking about. During our prayer time we lifted each other up, quoted the Word, and asked God to heal, bless, rejuvenate, strengthen, revive, protect, and love. The power of prayer is amazing in many ways, but the Word says, "where two or more are gathered in my name, I am there also" and I truly felt Jesus was with us today, listening as we poured out our hearts to Him.

Thank you girls for making today more than memorable! I love you three!

Disney on Ice

Last night Becca and I took Aby and Troy to see Disney on Ice. The featured performances were Tinkerbell, Little Mermaid, Lion King, and Cars, with Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, and Donald as the hosts. Troy had a BLAST!! He was on the edge of his seat and his eyes were so big trying to take it all in.

Here they are before the show, Troy had to bring his Lightning McQueen.



Once inside there were a million things to buy!! Troy choose a flag and Aby choose a crown!


Of course, Cars was his favorite. Mater and Sally and a few other cars came out first, but then Lightning McQueen came out with two fire shoots on either side!! The kids went crazy!!

Troy was waving his flag and yelling "Go Lightning McQueen!"

Tinkerbell
Lion King
The Little Mermaid

Mickey and Minnie ended the show. It was such a special night, and I don't know who had more fun me or Troy!!