This morning as I got up to do my quiet time my heart was heavy. Today would have been my 12 year wedding anniversary. The date always comes and goes, along with many others, and I think back and wonder and grieve again.
Last night we saw War Room with our youth and I think, in light of that movie, I'm grieving a little more than usual today. It was a great movie, but it was a hard movie for me to watch. I felt like I was watching my life 6 years ago play out with different characters. No, Daniel and I didn't fight and we weren't chasing our careers, but we left room for satan to come in and, wow, did he ever. As I watched the main female character fight for her family, I cried remembering the pain, like it was yesterday. I did every single thing she did. I even memorized some of the same verses she did! On one hand I felt encouraged that my efforts were on track, yet on the other hand I felt even more sad because my ending didn't turn out like hers.
The majority of the movie I was identifying with the wife, but there was a scene towards the end of the movie where Mrs. Clara shares her testimony and God spoke to my heart that I should be identifying with Mrs. Clara! No, I didn't get the ending God, myself and everyone around me was hoping for, but God will not force Himself on anyone. We always have a choice; to choose Heaven or Hell, to choose His way or our own, to choose life or sin. He wants us to choose Him, but we are never forced. Through that scene God brought to mind Titus 2:3. This verse keeps popping up in my life and it's just confirmation that He will use me and my past to help others.
So as I start my week with my heart a little heavier than normal, I still have so much joy in there, too. Despite tragedy in our lives He fights for us, even when He shouldn't fight for us He does, when our hearts are turned toward Him. I am thankful for all that I have been through and pray that He will continue to use me to help others.