My True Love gave to me...
warmth
Today was a very hard day, if not THE hardest day of my life. This morning I had to make the decision to put Chip to sleep. He has been fighting pancreatic cancer for a year now and the last few days have rendered him helpless. As I sat there petting him knowing his fate just a few hours ahead, I am contemplating death and life and all that goes along with that. As the vet arrives and I go outside while it all happens I find myself crying and crying out to God. Just two short days ago my post was upbeat and happy and now such a turn around in circumstances...but my God is still the same. I'm asking God how much more can I take, feeling more broken then ever before. I realized that is the wrong question so I beg Him to teach me something in this moment. As the grave is being dug and I sit stroking Chip's motionless body, the sun is beaming down on a cold, crisp day. I raised my face and closed my eyes hoping for something from God and all I felt was warmth. Warmth on my face from the sun and warmth inside my body, no doubt, from the Son. My feelings and emotions were the same, but I knew He was near, and that's all I needed.
Chip was a great dog and so obedient and trusting, even to the point of death. I understand God is not calling me to physically die, although that might be easier, but He is asking me to die to myself.
Matthew 16:24
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."
I am still wrestling with the fact that this means dying to my hopes and dreams and desires for myself, my kids, my marriage...my whole life. I think this verse scares many, and at times, myself. Our selfish desires make us think we deserve to be happy and there is no way to please yourself and deny yourself at the same time, so this verse must mean we are supposed to suffer our whole lives. In reality, Christ is wanting us to know that His ways are better than ours and that by losing our lives we are really gaining it. To live pleasing only yourself means you have cut God out of the equation, and that's a scary place to be! As I try to get some sleep tonight I will remind myself it's not about me, but all for His glory.
6 comments:
I am in tears. I so badly want your family back together, and it hurts me so bad when you hurt. I don't have any words right now Brittany. I am in tears, with chills, and wondering some of the same things that you are. You continue to amaze me and my prayer is that you completely surrender to God, KNOWING that He will work all things together for good.
I am sorry about Chip. Good memories there, I know. When I think of Chip I think of you and Daniel always running with him. I would always wonder how he could keep up with you two. Hang onto those memories.
You are strong. I love you.
Oh Brittany, I'm so sorry. Dogs are the best companions and it's so sad when you have to make that choice. :( I'll say a little prayer for you, I know that is a hard thing.
You're posts just keep getting more beautiful...no doubt a reflection of you turning your eyes to The Lord at this moment.
You are right...Chip was a very good dog...so sweet and gentle!
Thinking of you!!
Rachel
Sorry to hear about Chip, he was a great dog. I will never forget when Audrey and I visited you all in Lubbock and in the morning we were awoken by Chip jumping into bed with us.
The Bible doesn't mention Doggie Heaven, but I choose to believe Chip is up there running, playing fetch, and just perhaps, jumping into bed with his Master.
Dogs are like members of the family. I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard that is, putting a dog to sleep. I continue to pray for you Brittany. I just wanted you to know that.
Jen
I'm so sad for you! I also have fun memories of
Chip, especially checking on him at
your apartment when he was itty bitty. I'm brought to tears
too, but at the warmth that God bathed you in. He is Indescribable!!
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