So my friend Tanna challenged us all to "get real" on our blogs with Get Real Mondays. I feel like I have been alot more transparent over the last 6 months with my postings, but over the last week I have heard several comments from friends about my lack of anger. So, I asked a few of my closest friends how they would view my blog if I didn't talk to them on a regular basis. The overall consensus seems to be that I am handling things really well and that I am stronger than the average person would be in this situation. This is so far from the truth. So here is where I "get real!"
I am daily struggling with my anger. In an average day here are the thoughts that bombard my mind:
~How does someone get so blinded to the devil's work?
~Why hasn't God stepped in and saved the day yet?
~How could a dad leave two sons?
~Why do I have to take the high road?
~Where is the immediate fruit from taking the high road?
~When will God's vengeance be laid down?
~Will I get to witness His justice being served?
~How is this fair for two young boys who don't deserve this?
I could continue but my blood pressure is rising just typing all of this. 90% of the time my mind and heart are focused on God and His promises for me, but the other 10% of the time the anger wells up so great in me I think I might explode. I call my closest friends and family to cry, scream, and yell. And the things they tell me are just what I need to hear. I realize my anger is natural and even ok, but it's what I do with my anger that sets me apart. To be honest, some days I fear I may end up in jail, but as they talk to me I hear them holding me to God's standards of a mature Christian woman. I can choose to let my anger control me or I can take that anger to God and see what He can do about it. And, truth be told, my anger is usually AT God. "Where are you? Step in!! Protect me!!" But He IS doing all those things, just in His way and in His time.
For me, the anger is best released through exercise. I love to exercise, running primarily, and I have noticed this is a great outlet for me! One day I ran so long and hard that I had bleeding blisters! I guess I lost track of time, but I felt better because running is where I hear God the clearest. I came across another name God uses for Himself, El Roi - a God who sees. This name for God conveys so much. I don't have to worry about my reputation or what others are getting away with because my God sees! And I find comfort in that.
I hope for those that read this blog and feel like I am handling this well, please know God alone has given me strength, forgiveness and self control, otherwise someone might be having to post my bail! ;)
3 comments:
Thank you for being real. My heart breaks for you but YES God sees. El Roi does see you and your hurt and your boy's hurt!!
You crack me up. Just for the record, I would bail you out any time if you called-haha! But seriously, this is good. You are strong Brit, but no one should have to go through this...no matter what. Thanks for sharing, I think its beneficial. And yes, your anger is ok. I am just glad God has given you the strength to NOT react how we all want to react. All I can say is wow.
I don't know a whole lot about the details of your situation, but from what I gathered, you have put up with and endured an awful lot because of his incredibly bad choices. Brittany, I know that God wants you totake the high road, and I think that is great, but I also believe in standing up for yourself and allowing your anger to come in once in a while. You are entitled to your anger more than anyone else I know and it certainly doesn't need to be easy for other people involved. Your boys are lucky to have a mother like you. I do not know how things were before all of this, and at this point, it doesn't matter. You are a very strong person and God will help you through, just remember, you have alot of people behind you who will support you and love you, even if you go to "jail!" Trust me, I know alot about anger and what it can do. If you ever want to talk, I am here! I can't wait to see you in the next couple of weeks!!
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