an AHA moment

I love AHA moments...kind of. I mean, I love seeing something so clearly, but then looking back I feel stupid it took me so long to see it in the first place. Over the last week I have been really seeking advice and praying about the upcoming signing of the divorce papers.

In my frustration over the last 8 months of this ordeal I have found myself saying "I'm done!" ALOT!!! My AHA moment came today when I said that again and felt bad. I think the phrase "I'm done!" brings with it an attitude of giving up. I would say that phrase and then a few days later feel guilty for giving up on my marriage and would resolve to be strong again. Please understand, when I would say "I'm done" I would mean I'm done striving; not honoring my marriage vows or trusting in God or praying constantly, just that I'm done with trying to focus on Daniel's return, I guess. So today I felt God telling me that I need to change my internal dialogue. I am not "done". I would NEVER be "done" with a marriage. What I need to say to myself and others is "I'm okay with what God has next for me." The 'I'm done' phrase has held me captive to the fact that it would be ME who was dissolving the marriage. God has made it clear that that is no where near the truth so why am I letting that control my thoughts.

Also, I believe it is the next step in relinquishing all control to God. If I continue to say that I'm not done and I will keep fighting, is that not me trying to control the situation for what I want. Instead, I can put it in His hands and be eager for what is next...could be Daniel's return as a changed man or it could be a strong follower of Jesus as my new husband?!? Who knows, but either way I know it will be good because it will be from God!!

The song I have on the blog is my new favorite. The line I like the most is 'the pain you're feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming.' So I will wait expectantly to see the joy God has in store for my future!