Teague's friend party

We had a party at the park with all of Troy and Teague's friends for yet another birthday celebration for my baby!! We all had a blast!

Teague's Day out with Thomas

This weekend we were able to go back to my parent's house and do another birthday weekend for Teague. (He just may think the whole month of March is designated for his birthday!) Saturday was the Day out with Thomas event and the boys had so much fun! There was a bounce house, tattoo booth, sand pit to play in, a magic show and even a petting zoo. The petting zoo was definitely my favorite and the boys were not scared of anything in there. They had bunnies, ducks, goats, pot belly pigs, chickens, mini donkeys and a cow. The train ride was a lot of fun too. Once we got on, they played the Thomas theme song and the Engineer came by and shook all the kids' hands. It was a 20 minute train ride and the boys loved looking out the window the whole time. As we got off the train, they were given Jr. Engineer certificates which will be great keepsakes. It's hard to believe Teague will be 2 this week, but I know he won't forget this experience!!



Teague petting a goat

Troy petting a miniature pot belly pig.

In the bounce house


Both of them got James tattoos on their "big muscles!"


Sir Topham Hatt


On the train!



One tired little boy!!

Adventure #3

There were several factors that went into deciding that is was best for me to take a step back from Chris and I's relationship, but one of the major ones was that I am wanting to make sure that I am coming through the grieving process/healing stages of the divorce in a healthy way. So I decided to start on Adventure #3, DivorceCare.

It's a 13 week course that has a video lesson and then discussion afterwards. After the first session, I was a little hesitant about me being in the group. Where I am coming up on the two year mark this summer, most of the members are right in the middle of it. I wasn't sure I really wanted to relive all the pain, but then again, if I could help someone else or even make sure I haven't missed an area of healing, I would want to do that. So I have decided to keep going.

Last night was session 2 and we discussed all the feelings that go along with all the losses. Unfortunately, I didn't just lose my spouse, but also my hopes and dreams, my stay at home mom status, my in-laws, my identity as a married woman, my hopes and dreams for my children. Each one of those has a ton of emotions within it and working through each of those is imperative in the healing process. At the end of the session they assured all of us that eventually we would start to go an hour without thinking about the situation, then maybe two hours, then a day or two and so on. I can remember when that started happening. When I did in fact go an hour without thinking of it, it surprised me because I was starting to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I left there feeling proud that I had faced those feelings in a way that got me to a healthy place. I am very much a follower and I sometimes wonder if I am going through the healing process "right". I look to others and see what they did, but truth is, it's different for everyone, and hearing that little bit of info, made me proud that I did, in fact, deal with it appropriately, even though I tend to doubt myself, and now can say that it's not a topic that comes to my mind too often.

At any point, it's possible to get stuck in one of the grieving stages and I am thankful that I reached out to God and that He brought me through them and to the other side! It's a miracle and really being in that group makes me feel more in awe of what an awesome God I serve. I remember where I was two years ago, I see the others cry and hurt and I cry too because I can feel their pain, but also because I have come so far. It changed me. He changed me and I'm thankful for that season in my life.

Spring Break

The first half of Spring Break was my time with the boys and we went to visit my family and friends. We were able to spend time with all my family and even an afternoon with Tanna and Laura and their kids.

Troy will be on a soccer team in a few weeks so we went and bought him his cleats, shin guards and a new ball. I don't think he has taken off his equipment in 3 days. He loves practicing and telling everyone he is going to play soccer.

Teague playing peek-a-boo outside while brother practices.
My grandma also came into town to celebrate Teague's birthday a little early. Of course, he loved the cake again this year and was pretty into opening his own presents!


At our playdate with Tanna and Laura and the kids, all the kids played really well together. The three of us actually did a little more talking than mothering, so that was a step up from last time where it felt like all we did was tend to our children and there was no time to sit and visit.



Lastly, it was time to take the boys for the bi-annual dental check up so that concluded our spring break time together. Troy has been to the dentist before so I told him how important is was to set a good example for Teague, since this was his first time. They both did great and got their token at the end to choose a prize.


So now on to the latter half of the week which will be ME time!! I have no plans and kind of like it that way! I'm sure I will find something to do with all my time, productive or not!

And the questions begin

I'm not sure if it's because Troy is getting older by the second or if being in school has made him see the differences in families or what, but lately the questions about our family life have started to increase. It breaks my heart when I hear the following...

Why doesn't daddy come home with us?
Don't you miss daddy?
Why don't we have a daddy at our house?
If we go back to the old house will daddy come back?

I knew the day would come when he would want to know what happened between me and Daniel and I pray for that a lot, so that I have the right words and the right spirit behind those words, but just over the last week or so I have noticed these questions are becoming more thoughtful and more frequent. It's hard to believe he even remembers Daniel and I together and I am sure he innately knows we are supposed to be together, since that is how God created it.

I answer him the best I know how without discounting his feelings, but every time I hear one of these sweet innocent questions my anger and pain seem to return. For some reason, if you hurt me, it's fine, but to hurt my kids is something I have a hard time letting go of. (guess that is the momma bear instinct all moms have) I know in my heart God makes beauty from ashes and can heal their hearts and make this circumstance something that makes them into better men, but for right now, it's still hard to watch my babies hurt and question...and to know there is nothing I can do to make it better.

Wordless Wednesday...kinda

During recess today a few of the girls in my class brought me a little bouquet of flowers they had picked off the playground. Wouldn't you know there were purple! It made me smile. Only God could remind me of His unfailing love by shoving purple flowers in my face by the hands of 4 year olds. When I started looking around I noticed a ton of purple flowers and in different varieties, I just wasn't looking before. Sometimes I wonder how God has time for anyone else because He is always taking care of and spoiling me. ;)

Get Real Monday

I haven't done a "Get Real Monday" blog in awhile but thought this was a good title for today's blog.

So my get real thought is...dating is hard!!

I think dating in general is hard, but post divorce I think it is even more complicated. There are SO many things to consider and weigh and think about. Sometimes I think because I have been married it will be easier to know what I want and then other days I think being married previously makes it so much more difficult. I now carry baggage that has tainted how I look at relationships, men and life in general.

All that being said, Chris and I have decided to go our separate ways. We are in two different spots in our lives right now and we know this is what is best for both of us. I am so thankful that he was the first guy I dated because I learned so much from him and within our relationship. I will miss the way he made me laugh and his playful personality, but I will continue to trust God with my future.

More sickness...ugh!!

So now Chris is sick!!! This normally would not be a big deal and I would be very loving and nurturing towards him, but I really think it is karma on his part...if I were to believe in that.

Since I was sick last Monday I did ask him not to come into town so that I could rest, but by middle of the week I was feeling better and wanted to hang out and do Valentine's treats with him. Everytime I asked him to come into town he stressed how he didn't want to get sick and if he got sick then it would ruin our weekend plans. He was right so I stopped asking. Friday finally came and I was so excited to be feeling better and I was ready to celebrate an early birthday for Chris. I had gotten him tickets to the Red Dirt Mardi Gras to see Josh Abbott, Wade Bowen and the Randy Rogers Band. But when Chris gets to my house he is all sniffly. He claimed it was just allergies but the night went downhill fast and it was obvious he was sick. He was trooper and we did enjoy all the music, but I know he felt bad. So the rest of the weekend Chris was in bed and I was left missing him again.

So I ended up cutting into and eating my cheesecake alone on Saturday night. It is really good, but really rich. It is definitely a "special occasion" treat. I really like the cheesecake part of it though. It's hard to find a not too sweet cheesecake part but this one is really good, so I will be using that part of it again! Hopefully Chris and I will both be well by the middle of the week and we can try again to see each other...oh the woes of dating!

Adventure #2

The last week or so is what I am going to call a sickness adventure. Teague was sent home from daycare with a fever last Thursday. I had a girlfriend who was able to watch him Friday morning and then I took half a day of work to be with him the rest of the day. Within 24 hours Teague was fine and the weekend was great. On Sunday night, I started to feel bad, but nothing that would keep me from work, but by Monday night all I wanted was sleep. So Chris and I postponed out Valentine's dessert due to me feeling under the weather. At around noon on Tuesday Troy's school told me that Troy was now running fever. So Troy and I both went home Tuesday afternoon to rest. I immediately called my mom to see if she could come into town to help me. Of course, she said yes and started her trip at 4am in order to get here in time for me to leave for work. Again, within 24 hours Troy was fever free and playing around so I thought we were good. But by the time I got to work Mom had texted me and said Teague was covered in red spots. So I went back home to give her the car seats so she could take them to the dr. At the dr. she was told both boys were suffering from viral infections and the hives were the end of Teague's sickness from the previous Thursday. By Wednesday night we were all starting to feel better and got our first good nights sleep in awhile. Unfortunately, on Friday we did a lice check at school and I had contracted lice from one of the little girls that I hug on alot. Uugghhh!! So I went home that afternoon with a lice kit so my mom could comb through my hair section by section to make sure there was no bugs or eggs left in my hair.

I am so lucky to have a mom who came on a moment's notice, Valentine's gifts in tow, to take care of a sick kid and ended up taking two sick kids to the dr. (which is an adventure all in itself), going to the grocery for me, doing my laundry, taking the boys to a movie, picking bugs out of my hair, and helping me clean the house to make sure any and ALL germs or bugs were gone for good! We are getting to start the weekend all healthy and we have a holiday on Monday so it will be nice to hang out with the boys and have no one sick!

Valentine's Day

For Valentine's Day with the boys, I made Troy and Teague little Valentine's and also got them a huge sucker. They both came home with lots of treats from their parties at school. Troy woke up Tuesday morning asking if it was still Valentine's Day and was very upset when I told him no.





As for my Valentine's Day with Chris...it hasn't happened yet. I have felt awful since Sunday night and just wasn't in the mood to do anything but sleep Monday night, so we have postponed our cheesecake tasting night for later this week. He did send me the sweetest love letter via email because he wanted me to have it on Valentine's Day. He is so romantic and super thougtful and I will post again once we do our Valentine's Day together.

The threshing floor

A few months back I started a Bible study on Ruth called "Ruth: loss, love and legacy". It was such a great study that I thought I would teach it to the girls in my youth group. I have found over the years of teaching that I learn something so much better and on a deeper level when I teach it, and sure enough it was proven true again while teaching Ruth.

In the middle of the book of Ruth, Naomi tells Ruth to get cleaned up, put on her best clothes and perfume and go to Boaz and express her love. They both knew Boaz was working at the threshing floor that evening, so off Ruth went. I started to imagine what Ruth most have been thinking as she made that walk to Boaz. She had lost her husband and now found herself in foreign territory and was taking a huge risk in expressing her love for Boaz. On her walk there I bet she was nervous and had a ton of questions on whether her actions were right or wrong and I bet she was even excited that she could be in love again! Over the last two years, I know those are the feelings that I have had. But what struck me as the scariest part of that walk for Ruth was that she had to go to the threshing floor alone. Naomi had been there the whole time to talk to and gossip with, and Naomi would be there afterwards, but in that moment, she had to walk that path alone.

A few weeks back Chris and I were getting his car washed and he left the car to pay and I stayed in the car only to be backed into by another car who did not see Chris' car there. Chris heard the collision and ran back out and the man in the other car got out and to our surprise it was a worker from the business we were at. About that time, the owner of the other vehicle came out of the store to see what had happened. Both Chris and the other gentleman were upset, but since it was an employee driving the car it somehow made the situation easier to handle. They both had someone to commiserate with so it was more bearable than if they had been alone. This got me to thinking; going through a problem with your spouse or friend really does make it easier! And, at least for me, I would tend to lean on that person to lighten my load. Having a buddy to experience it with takes some of the sting out of the situation. And oh how I wish I had had someone to go through divorce with me, but then God really started speaking to me about my own threshing floor and that there are times we must go there alone.

Even though God has surrounded me with so many wonderful people, I still had to walk the path of divorce solo. Everyone has advice and a position on it and encouraging words through it, but ultimately, I had to do it with just me and God. And now, post divorce, I am still navigating through by myself wondering just the same things Ruth was wondering, plus some about dating. There are few in my position and I am lucky for the woman God has brought into my life that have been through divorce, dating and remarriage. I know I rely on them heavily to help me through this season in life. With lots of prayer, I know God will guide me right where I am supposed to be, as long as I keep listening.

The end of Ruth's story is a happy one and I believe it's through the lonely walks to the threshing floor that you find yourself and learn to lean on God more than you ever would if you had your friends by your side. I am thankful for these moments because I know without them, I would not have the kind of relationship I have with my King.